How we started
I used to tell people: "I always love my husband, just some days I am not in-love with him". Since beginning a Cdd relationship, I can honestly say "I am in love all the time"!!!!
This is my journey from a love that was such a burden to both myself, and my husband, but is transforming everyday into a beautiful, deep, eternal love. But to understand it you really have to have a little history...
My name is Kali. I have been married to my best friend for over 10 years. We have 3 beautiful children. I started home schooling them not for educational reasons, but more to save them from the corruption in the staff (child molestation, and selling drugs to students) and wayward friends. Plus I have a very strong belief in the mother's basic animalistic right to protect her young in all that could harm them, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
We have been members of a very conservative church since my husband was baptized several years ago. Following his lead, I was baptized just months later.
I was ecstatic when I found this site (to say the least), and amazed by your convictions and resolve! I have NEVER entered into a forum and I'm not sure how my current confusion would benefit anyone on a public forum. That said, I feel comfortable coming to you because you seem very wise and non-judgmental. I have been glued to your site for days (hubby is out of town on business) and would really like to spill to someone who won't judge me.
I have never spoken to anyone about this, except my hubby. His family is... how do I say this nicely? Very much set in their uppity ways. And my family believes Southern women are to be tough, 'give as much as you take', 'and raise cane doing it' type of people. My mother and father have each been married to and divorced from 5 different people, which I think shows that their beliefs on strong southern women are way off.
Just to give you perspective on how binding I thought marriage's were: As the preacher was saying "Till Death Do You Part" I was thinking "Or until I file for divorce".
That didn't help our marriage in those early years. It also didn't help that I was 19 and he was 21 when we started dating, and by 20 I was married. We had a lot of growing up to do, and began growing apart.
When the kids were born I became a stay at home 'super-mom'. I know now that I was acting more like a "martyr". Even though I loved my privilege to keep my kids home, my husband's 'you sit at home all day' attitude left me feeling devalued. I became resentful and felt like the unrecognized 'glue' of our family and it ate at me all day. My hubby always came home from work and entered a war zone. We became verbally abusive to each other, and I dropped the 'D' Bomb in EVERY fight.
This attitude didn't change until a few years ago when a good friend pointed out to me, in a very lovingly blunt way, that if I divorced my husband, in God's eyes, I would be committing adultery with any future husbands. My parents had neglected to tell me that... go figure. Finally, I had that conviction! I honestly never thought I would. Because of God's infinite wisdom my husband was blessed to be born in a family that never divorced, so he played the part of reeling me back in when my instinct was to run far and fast. He really suffered a lot for God, me, and our children. The sins of the father I suppose... only it was MY father's sin that I held B to.
After I started attending Wed. morning Bible classes at our Church, teaching Sunday School and VBS (and basically surrounding myself in the Word) I started understanding that I wasn't the 'glue' that held us together after all, but rather the fire that weakened the glue. I started appreciating my blessing to stay at home, and did my chores, as God commands, with love and a meek spirit, in the truth that I was doing HIS work. By simply allowing my role to fulfill me and bring me joy I made our home a welcoming place for my husband and became his soft place in this world.
Despite this, I still noticed myself at times being blatantly disrespectful, both at home and in public. I felt miserable every time because I was continuously failing in my convictions. Not to mention embarrassing my husband and causing him to become angry and frustrated with little or no recourse.
So that you can understand my hubby... B is a kind, warm, loving man, who always puts me second only to God. He finds a way to get me everything I want and need even if it seems out of reach. ie... He drives a less expensive car so my children and I can drive around in a nice, new SUV because he says he worries less about us when he knows the car is safe and won't break down. I wanted a fourth child and he didn't, yet he agreed to let me do In Vitro, which I did to no avail for 7 grueling months, but we went through it because I wanted to (basically supporting my deepest desires despite his own). I know how to push his buttons and have done/said things that would send most men 'over the edge' yet he remains calm and steadfast in his love and devotion. As Genesis points out... He is my ribcage and I am his rib!
A couple months ago, while searching for ways to curb my attitude, I came across a DD site (Taken in Hand). It brought back a long forgotten memory of a good whack on the bottom I received just two months into our marriage for acting like a "brat". Of course, at that time I was appalled. I was young & hot tempered; I called my Mom and left. After a few days, I went back home, but that taught my husband that he was never to do that to me again. And he didn't.
You can imagine his surprise when I showed him the aforementioned site I was reading. I allowed him to think about what we had read for several days without discussion (meaning I didn't ask him his thoughts right away). Then I told him, "I think that this lifestyle may work for us", and at that time gave him "blanket consent". He was very hesitant, and rightly so. I was very passive about it, knowing that he had been burned by my younger, less-wise self. I decided not to say anymore to him about the matter and for the next few weeks I demonstrated a very submissive spirit.
Then one night in bed, while making pillow talk, I said something playfully sassy and he playfully swatted my rear. That "playfulness" continued for a while and I noticed him really watching for my response. I kept the mood lite and continued my "submissive in all things" attitude. Then, I watched my marriage change slowly, day by day, into an amazingly deep and fulfilling love. One like I have never experienced before, and had never even seen before in any of my friend's or family's relationships (even the ones who had been together for 25+ years).
Then one day...
He came home early to find the kids watching TV, and no sign of me. When he finally stepped outside he spotted me out on the back 40 and gave me a look that could pierce the heart. I do not make it a habit to leave my kids alone even to ride the line but they are not young children and they knew all they had to do was come yell for me from the drive and I would be back. Unfortunately, they did not relay that to my husband. This alone had him fit to be tied.
I politely said goodbye to our hired-hand, and headed in. As I was walking in the back door, my hubby was walking out the front to attend a business dinner. I saw that he had come home early so he could bring us dinner before his meeting. I felt really bad, like I had let him down, but I wasn't really sure how. Well, that was cleared up real quick. He called from the car just minutes after leaving and told me I was to be in our room, pants off, when he came home.
Then I asked why he was so mad at me. The pit of my stomach dropped when he said, "you know your doctor said not to walk anywhere without your boot-cast on your leg unless you were on crutches, you could have broken that fractured bone". (He's right. I have fractured that same bone 4 times already.)
I quickly put my boot-cast on and busied myself in tidying up the house, and then I took a shower. I was trying to calm down because at this point I knew there wasn't going to be any playfulness involved. I kept saying to myself;
- What have I done?
- What was I thinking?
- Why did I tell him I wanted to do this?
He is over a foot taller than me, and outweighs me by 140 lbs. He could really hurt me!
I prayed that GOD would stop this punishment from happening. I tried to come up with ways that I could tell him I changed my mind and was revoking the previously given blanket consent. I was in a full blown panic! I eventually resolved that I trusted him, and knew he wouldn't do anything to cause permanent damage. I tried to be at peace with whatever was going to happen. He came home, saw the newly cleaned house, and me sitting on the bed still wet from the shower and bawling. I told him I was "soooooo sorry for forgetting my boot" and begged him not to do this. He told me to lay across his lap, which I did... still crying. He raised his hand back so high I could feel the stretch in his abdomen.
I started crying so hard I almost lost my breath.
But then he lowered his hand, sat me up, and said "I won't ever tell you to ready yourself again without follow thru. Do you understand?". "YES"!!!! And so with that, I climbed into his lap and cried some more.
Later that night he said that he wasn't truly mad at me, just concerned for my foot. He also said that he had read on that other site that sometimes in the beginning it's best for the husband to make the first whippin a "Because I said so" spanking to break the tension. I told him of my earlier doubts about doing the discipline part and he responded with, "Too bad. I have seen how close our relationship has become and how I can't wait to come home to you. I spend a lot of my day thinking of ways I can show you the love you have shown me by trusting me with this. So we are doing it. ALL OF IT".
Well, what can you say to that? I know he is right and I know he loves me more than life and will take his responsibility seriously. I love my husband and love the way he loves me and the bond that CDD has brought us. I just wish this fear (not of him, but of the whippin) wasn't this strong. Your website has armed me with the knowledge that this is, at least condoned by God in your presenting Bible verses in a different way than I had ever viewed them.
Thanks for your time, and your site which is a blessing to those seeking Biblical backing by non-judgmental, like minded people.
In HIS Grace & Under HIS Wing;