Kali's Advice

Another forum question

EDITOR: [names have been omitted to protect privacy] Kali answers a question asked by a CDD newcomer. I thought her advise to be spot on. Cheers!


Well the thing is, there is no perfection in life and most definitely none in CDD. It's so different in each home that all we can do is give advice on each situation. After doing this for over a year, I still come here quite often to seek counsel. It's just so ever-changing.

I don't claim to be right, I am only trying to offer assistance that you can take or leave ok? It sounds like perhaps it's just all too new and you are going to have to step back from it a bit, [wife's name omitted]

Patient as you feel you are being, you will have to be it some more. I think what helped me the most was just learning to be still (ADD here too, but only the self-diagnosed kind, lol). Pray GOD to keep you meek and teachable as these are the best qualities a submissive wife can have.

Frustration? I've had my share, so has my husband, along with every other member on this board. Think about it, you are asking the man who loves you enough to give you his name and ask you to have his kids, to hurt you. It's not an easy "sure let's do it" decision and if it was, that would be concerning because much thought has to go into it.

Now you say that you have gathered the implements so you feel you are trying to get him to do this. However, he does not feel the same. He feels you are making him force it or chase you. He said you threw a temper tantrum when he tried to enforce the punishments. Why?

When he says "it's go time" you need to go! Are you worried that you will seem too eager? I was at first. I was like, "Ok if I make him make me, I won't look like a spanko freak". But he thought, "the woman doesn't know what she wants and if I force it, she will resent me".

Hun, CDD is a dance, it's slow moving, and it's learned. Your gonna have to just try not to take it too seriously until you get into your own groove.

As far as it not being enough....

We have had those times. In the beginning I would ask for more if it wasn't enough. (I asked hubby's permission to ask for more first.) Then after a few months it got to the point that he could tell, almost immediately after sitting me up, if we were done. Personally I think stopping too soon is worse than just not doing the punishment at all. It can leave you feeling mad and having a loss of respect for your husband. I am not sure why. You think we wives would be grateful for that, it doesn't make much sense.

Also, things are sometimes lost in translation between man and wife. I know there were times that hubby would say, "you're getting a whippin tonight", and I would immediately change my attitude. I would work the day thru cleaning my house, doing all the extra stuff he likes, and be very sweet. He would see that and decide not to spank me.

In his mind, he was showing me great mercy because I was doing all I could to show repentance. HOWEVER.... to me it felt like he just didn't care enough to follow thru. One of the most maddening aspects of CDD for women is lack of follow-thru or inconsistency from the HOH.

So how do you fix that? Talk!! Talk and talk and then talk some more. Keep open communications at all times. Don't expect perfection in him just as he shouldn't expect it in you. CDD isn't supposed to make things worse but better. I would say that if you feel you are doing all of it (the gathering of implements and telling him you want it), then you should just stop. If it isn't working for you, why keep doing what you're doing?

I looked back thru your posts trying to see how long it's been since you first brought this to him. I can't find it, can you please tell me? That would be helpful to know.

I don't want you to think that by writing to you on his posts, I was saying he couldn't do stuff differently. I did so because the men were talking with him about that in their guy way, and I would have been out of line by doing the same. I'm a girl, I called out to you. All you can do is change YOU. I have no problems answering the guy's posts, and I LOVE reading them for insight and offering advice from all I've heard, but it's not my place to tell him he is wrong. Yes, men can make us sad too, but this was his post and his upset just spoke to me and I didn't think making him feel bad was the way to help. Sorry.

BTW: Bratting is a BIG no-no. It's not cute (I know you know that) and it could end up in him saying: "Forget it, if doing this is just going to make you act worse, then what's the point in wasting my time and energy?!". Bratting shouldn't be rewarded by punishment (as weird as that sounds). We don't do 'corner time' but maybe that would help you get your heart in the right place? If not the actual corner, then perhaps 20 minutes or so alone in your room before a punishment to pray and get your heart in the right place? If your heart isn't in the right place, then no punishment, not even if it's done everyday until you are black and blue, is going to help.

A successful punishment is not one that leaves you in massive pain, but one that softens your heart. What it should look like is this: He calls you to him, you GO. No words, just quiet obedience. Lay across his lap on your own (he will guide me... not pull me). Then when you start to cry for him to stop, the spanks should get harder. He needs to go until you have stopped calling out and stopped squirming, until all your fight is gone and he feels you "let go". Personally, I do not think that can be achieved very often by just his hand.

He talks with me throughout the punishment. He asks me "Are you doing ok? This behavior has to stop. Be still. You are doing good, hun." and so on. When he pulls me up, if I am not completely repentant and in tears, I go back OTK. When we are done, I am drawn to his chest and he holds me tight while further lecturing me. I am at peace, I am truly sorry and ready to change, and my only desire is that of pleasing him in all I do. If in a few hours my attitude is back (very rarely does that happen, he can usually tell right away) then it's back OTK for more.

It took so much trial and error to get this all worked out. Like I said, we didn't even do whippins for 3 months after starting CDD. It was a process that began with my full submission up front. I never told him "you aren't doing this right". I would only say "I don't think that helped, can we change it a bit?"

Once [husband's name omitted] knows he has your trust, and knows you aren't going to make him feel bad for doing things the way he wants to do 'em, he will be much more confident in his role. Most CDD husbands are stronger men in all aspects of their lives because they become much more confident. My husband has excelled in his job, his personal relationships, and basically everything he does cause he believes in himself more, just by knowing that I believe in him. Whatever he chooses to do (whether that is how I would have chosen to handle it or not) has to be ok with me because that is all GOD commands of me. I wrote "Kali's story" ; if you read it, you will see it wasn't always easy and it was definitely not a quick process.

Hun, he loves you enough to try and do what you are asking, be so thankful that in this world you have found a man like that!!!!