"Nonconsensual" Consent?

A guideline to consent in CDD

Nonconsensual Consent is a viewpoint oft utilised in Christian Domestic Discipline marriages. The concept of nonconsensual consent means that consent is given once in the beginning for the duration of the relationship, rather than specifically for each individual instance discipline is to be carried out. She is giving consent for him to discipline her at some future time when, at that specific moment, she is non-consenting.

It is based upon consent when the wife is in a calm, relaxed state of mind, not emotionally charged, as she may be during a maritial arguement. Essentially, the wife is giving her husband permission to decide when, where, how, how often, and under what circumstances he may discipline her based on the parameters they have agreed upon in their prior discussions. A wife may withdraw or amend that consent at any time, other than just before, during, or just after discipline.

This prevents many of the escalations of conflict which otherwise might ensue. This system removes the temptation for the wife to attempt to extricate herself from discipline which she may in her heart truly feel she has earned. It also reduces the likelihood of the husband ignoring unacceptable attitudes or behaviours simply because he doesn't feel like arguing with her about the discipline she has earned.

Many times, the lady is much more skilful with her words than the man; she may often try, successfully at times, to talk her way out of the discipline to come. She may say she will not submit to discipline. She may plead for leniency, playing on his sympathies. She may say the rule, which she previously agreed upon, or even suggested herself, is daft. She may test her husband to see how committed he is to the relationship, and to her. She may be asking herself, "Is he is confident of himself? Is he really the guv'nor? Will he keep his word? Is he hard enough to handle me? Is he strong enough to protect me, even from myself?"

Men, you must analyse what she has said and agreed to during previous discussions, not simply what she is saying at that moment during the row. If you both have agreed discipline may be administered for certain behaviours, then, though she may be a bit stroppy right then, she is likely expecting you to get with it straight away. If you fail to be consistent, she may think you are not a man of your word. This inconsistency may lead her to test your resolve in other situations. She may begin to "brat" in a bid to provoke you to give her the discipline she feels her behaviour earned. She may also begin to lose trust in your willingness or ability to keep your word in other areas.

Right then, let us now turn our attention towards a related topic. In many cases, couples have discovered that the wife gives implicit permission, rather than explicit permission. Meaning, she may never come out and verbally say, "Yes, I agree to being spanked for --fill in the blank --." Many times, this is the case with introverts, or women who also have difficulty overtly or directly asking for their needs to be met in other areas of the marriage.

It also often happens with women who are in a leadership position outside the home; they must build a protective armor round their emotions whilst at work. Many times, she wants to let someone else be in charge outside of work, to remove her armor and relax, to "feel" again. She may mentally know that he wants the very best for her, but it can be hard for these ladies to humble their pride, or to drop the reins of control and totally trust another person in this, or any other, area of her life. These women oft fear the lack of control inherent in truly submitting to another. They may also fear that if they come out and explicitly say, "Yes, I need this", then their husband will look down on them, considering them as weak, kinky, or childish.

For these and other reasons, she may not be able to come out and explicitly state that she needs a spanking or needs to feel his control and protection. However, she may tell her husband something like, "I was going to -fill in the blank - write a hot check, shoplift, run a red light, or another unacceptable choice-, but then I thought that if I did, you would probably spank me." The couple may be out to dinner and see another woman acting in an inappropriate manner, perhaps publicly disrespecting her husband, or getting quite wobbly at the tykes. Your wife, seeing this, may make a comment like, "I bet if I did that, you would put me over your knee straight away." She might say, "That twit ought to have her bottom slippered!"

A young wife may be on holiday with her parents, and during a call home, might say, "If you were here, you probably would have spanked me good. I got quite mad at my mum, and really gave her what for." These comments could be her way of implicitly saying that for certain behaviours, she thinks a spanking would be acceptable. However, she may never come right out and explicitly say, "I want you to spank me for these certain behaviours."

There is another intimate matter during which many wives have been known to say, "Stop", yet when asked later, they will say, "When I say that, I mean 'Don't stop now!'" There are times when the words she uses may mean something quite different. As one lady put it, "When my actions or words have been quite unreasonable, and you say I have earned a spanking, what makes you think I will immediately decide to be reasonable? Now I have even more motivation to continue being unreasonable. You must listen to what I say when I am reasonable and calm. Don't listen as much to to what is coming out of my mouth at that exact moment, during my unreasonable behaviour. If you do, we both lose!"

Of course, the tricky part is knowing her well enough to read between the lines. I Peter 3:7 says, Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. How well do you know her? How well do you read her? How well do you honour her in what you say to her and what you say to others about her? How well do you support her in front of the children?

Husband, know... KNOW... your wife. If your wife has not explicity requested CDD, but she has made implicit comments similar to the ones mentioned above, and if you believe that CDD is a tool which may help strengthen your marriage, I suggest your next step would be prayer. Pray for wisdom for both of you, pray for God's guidance, pray for help in humbling yourself, and pray for God to help her be willing to put aside her pride, fear, or control issues and trust you and trust God. Perhaps CDD would be a good fit for your marriage.